Northern Europeans have snow, frost and leafless trees. In large parts of America, there is snow, or fake snow for wealthy Texans. Australians have the beach. It must be bewildering for Aussie kids to grow up, expecting snow and a guy wrapped up against the cold with his reindeer to appear with their gifts. But then, there’s the sunny weather to make up for it. Similarly, people in the Northern hemisphere think it’s incredible to eat turkey on the beach. Every visitor to England from the Antipodes is asked, with wonder, about having Christmas dinner or lunch on the beach. Barbecued turkey is about as far from their thinking as life on Mars.

 

Don’t Aussies feel left out of all this? The greatest Christmas film ever, It’s A Wonderful Life, is wrapped in snow. It swirls through the whole of the film, both comforting and threatening. Christmas carols are keen to mention the bleak midwinter, the frosty this and the frozen that. The Christmas tree and its fake snow, the candles and yule logs all celebrate the pre-Christian, northern European festival of mid-winter.

 

Santa would get pretty hot in all those clothes when flying over Australia, and you could Google for pictures of what he should look like in Oz. Surfwear or red baggies should be the best thing, and that beard would get in the way, so a shave would be the first thing to remember before going out on Christmas Eve. A little red swim hat would complete the outfit.

 

Australians have their own take on the Northern hemisphere’s version of the festive season. It’s a fantastic sight to see tropical trees decorated with Christmas lights, a great contrast from the firs from up north. It’s the typical Oz way of making do. But there is still no getting away from the cold connotations of a traditional Christmas, even in the most temperate parts of Australia. Snowflakes and reindeer abound, even in ironic ways.

 

Christmas in Australia is a summer holiday, which Northerners won’t be able to get their heads around. Christmas in Europe and North America is full of images and associations with coldness. Every iconic image is of snowmen, snow on trees, snow on the ground, even though only the far North gets snow these days. Thanks to climate change, or confused memories, it hasn’t snowed in London, for instance, in years, and it is unlikely to soon. The snow in England generally falls either side of the festive season. That’s why the big betting companies in the UK make a big fuss and a big profit by enticing people to bet on a single snowflake falling on the roof of the London Weather Centre. They wouldn’t take a cent on that happening in Sydney.

 

People in the northern hemisphere are both jealous and sympathetic of an Australian Christmas. While they have the cosiness of staying in the dark, drinking warming drinks and moaning about the lack of snow (again), they wonder what it’s like to run down and set the Barbie up on the sand, having a dip and trying to keep the beers cold.

 

Australian children are lucky that they don’t get woolly Christmas jumpers knitted by their grandmothers for Christmas. These insulting items always feature snowflakes, reindeers, fir trees and bells, or a combination of all four. The poor children in the northern hemisphere are forced to wear these fashion victimisers all through the festive period.  

But let’s hear it for the Christmas jumper. Embrace it. Everyone else in the bar will be wearing something not very tasteful when you go there for just one at Christmas lunchtime, so why be any different? All your mates will be there, or arriving, wearing the most revolting top-half garments known to fashion, so you’d be a fool to turn to for the pre-lunch session looking like you hadn’t noticed it was Christmas. Christmas is about sharing, so getting together with your mates and sharing the embarrassment of wearing these ridiculous garments (and, let’s face it, the knitters themselves wouldn’t be seen dead wearing them) personifies the real spirit of the season. If you’re all wearing an Equmen undershirt, you’ll be able to win the contest of the silly Christmas jumpers.